Hamsterdam Hill

"Charming, in A Deadly Sort of Way"

The city of the hill welcomes you home. Hamsterdam Hill, founded in 2014. 

Classifieds

Meet people who have the same or less diseases as you


Need a Date | October 29th, 2017

For seven hours. All hair should be bagged. 

Help Wanted | October 29th, 2017

Sad masks required. 

My Rabbit is Staring at Me | October 29th, 2017

And not in a friendly way. In a menacing way that pierces right through the soul. 

Trebuchet in My Basement | October 29th, 2017

Full trebuchet is in my basement. $7 to the lucky soul who'll come over and help me clean it. Bring your best boy for this one, we will be sweaty for a while with all of the cleaning. 

12 Biscuits You Can Eat | March 11, 2017

You want 'em? I sure don't want 'em anymore. You can come over and eat them with me watching, I will assure you that is the better option. For you AND me, brother. 

DO YOU SEE THE MONSTERS TOO? |  January 9th, 2017

The purple ones are the scariest and the hardest to keep away from your children. 

Car for Sale | December 19, 2016

2004 Ford Cobalt, 156,000 miles: Great condition, Great lover, but very poor communicator. Owning this car won't be easy, but it will teach you how to be a better person. 

Jewish Piano For Sale | October 22, 2016

NOT in Good Condition. Call with Questions/Answers. 

PLEASE HELP ME SELL MY DAUGHTER/PIANO. No Really, It's a Piano. 

IT JUST NEEDS A NICE BOY!

WARM MEAT FOR SALE | October 9, 2016

Temperature varies. Can be cold, cold meat available by appointment only. NOT FROZEN. CANNOT PROVIDE FROZEN MEAT. DON'T EVEN FUCKING ASK. Meat comes in three amounts: child, teen, and adult. Child size meat 25% off, it's getting a little....we'll we won't get into that right now. $57 per meat***

***SKELETAL MEAT SALE - Purchase meat taken right off your own skeleton for 75% off!! - Monday - Thursday, 3-530PM

FRESH BISCUITS FOR SALE | April 22, 2015

My wife makes the damn tastiest biscuits on this side of the Mississippi River and probably the other side too. I never tried the biscuits on the other side of the river because I have a fear of moving water. Don't have an issue with puddles. Even a pond or small lake is fine. But if I see even a babbling brook I almost shit my pants. $2 a biscuit, 3 for $5.

STOP WITH THE CATS! | March 28, 2015

Whoever keeps leaving cats in my living room, please stop. I don't have any cat food. I have been feeding these mongrels the meals I would typically eat. I have not eaten in 10 days and I think I may have to start giving the cats away or I will starve. So, please let me know if you are looking to adopt a cat. Call 617-423-4545 to set up an appointment. Will accept meals as payment for a cat. 

LOOKING FOR A NIGHTTIME COMPANION | March 28, 2015

In need of a nighttime companion to join me on my moonlit walks. Must be an expert walker who is able to traverse difficult terrain with limited lighting. Not looking to have sex on the walks. That's the other night walking guy in town. Please don't contact me if you just want to have sex and are not serious about night walking. If you show promise, you may gain acceptance into the Non-sex Night Walkers Society of Hamsterdam Hill. It's very prestigious in walking circles, I swear. 

BLOOD IN THE STREETS OF HAMSTERDAM HILL! | March 28, 2015

Preparing the meat of a gang for resale. I will skin, package and deliver the meat to you, just let me know how much you need. This is the highest quality meat you will find in the area, and at a great price. Trust me you will not find better man meat anywhere else in town. Act fast, or miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime! Man meat not tested for quality.

IN SEARCH OF TRUE LOVE AND A DOCTOR! | March 10, 2015

My wife recently left me. According to her I am an unhappy bastard who is dead inside, so I cut open my stomach and found everything to be in working order. Now I am laying on the ground slowly bleeding out as I write a classified ad looking for a new lover and/or doctor. 

If you are a beautiful woman who loves to read historical biographies about civil war generals and can whip up a mean chicken alfredo please go on a date with me! And if you're a doctor then run straight to my house on Pine Wood Lane, it's the third house on the left. Hurry! We don't have much time!

DEATH TO THE ANTI - WHISTLERS | March 8, 2015

These anti-whistlers will soon mean the end of civilized life as we know it in Hamsterdam Hill. This deceitful pack of angry do-nothings walk around town offering puppies as if whistling was bad for the soul! Quite the contrary. At this point it may be the only thing keeping me alive. I'm not saying testing LSD for the military is a bad idea, but I will say it will give you some interesting dreams. The ones where you are awake tend to be the most......interesting.

DON'T YOU DARE WHISTLE | March 3, 2015 

I am growing tired of the scourge that is ruining this wonderful town. I am, of course, referring to the group of troublemakers that walk around town whistling. This act of aggression will not be tolerated and I will provide a reward of $450 or a large bag of puppies to anyone who brings an end to this madness. I am looking for someone who will eradicate this idiocy by any means necessary! 

WANT TO BUY PUPPIES | February 23, 2015 

I really want to buy a puppy, but my sister, I mean wife won't let me. But what she doesn't realize is she said I can't buy A puppy, but I CAN buy several puppies. Anyway, I am in the market for at least 5 puppies, possibly 10. I hear they are great companions, and their meat is delicious. Willing to spend anywhere from $40- $175 on a bag of puppies. Must be alive at time of deal.

WILL SKIP FOR MONEY February 16, 2015

For the price of a cup of coffee ($57) you can purchase my skipping services. "Why pay someone to do something I am already so good at?" you ask? Well, we all know you are terrible at skipping Steve, so just stop. I beat you fair and square in that skip-off, move on. 

Anyway, if you want to see the best skipper in town it'll cost you, but trust me it might be worth it. I mean, unless you don't like watching a grown man skipping around; then it's probably a waste of money.

DOES ANYONE ELSE REMEMBER TRAINS? February 10, 2015

I have this vague memory of these titanic metal objects that used to glide around on tracks. They even had toy versions of the damn things. I bought my son one for Christmas. The toy version, not the real thing. He loved that train. He used to play with it for hours on end. Things were so simple back then. But I ruined everything. 

I miss trains.

I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT February 2, 2015

The Hamsterdam Hill National Anthem is at least 20 minutes too long. I will not stand for it anymore. I mean I'll sit, but I will not stand. Also, selling one wooden leg, lightly used.

LOOKING FOR ONE LEGGED EIGHT YEAR OLD December 9, 2014

Doesn’t have to be my son, but close enough that I can fool my wife. Need replacement or real son by Friday morning before my wife returns from her business trip. 

Description: Eight years old, Male, 4 ft. tall, freckles, brown hair, one leg

Freckles NOT a requirement (we can fake that), but the kid NEEDS to have one leg!!

I SLEEP ON MY ARM SOMETIMES AND IT LITERALLY FEELS LIKE I DON'T HAVE A HAND, FOR A MINUTE October 27, 2014

It's really weird! Eww I don't like it. I don't have anything to sell, I just wanted to know if that happens to anyone else. 

MY FAUCET DOESN'T HAVE COLD WATER October 11, 2014

Even if I let it run for like 30 seconds I can't get it cold enough. It feels like I'm drinking warm prison water. Yes I have a filter, but who wants to fill that fucking thing up! I don't have money for a maid. Brita pitchers should really be able to fill themselves at this point. You could call it The BritaBot! It's perfect. 

BOY SEEKING INVISIBLE FRIEND September 30, 2014

Would preferably be an invisible girl, with some nice cans. And and ass that won't quit. My mom says I can't use the computer but she didn't think about the library! I wasn't actually meeting Tim and Kelsey for study group. Fuck you mom. 

HAMSTER HAND PATENT FOR SALE August 15, 2014

Hamster hand patent is up for sale. Do not attempt to actually make a hamster hand using this patent, as they have been banned in every state except arkansas. And you know you're not moving to fucking arkansas, so just shut up about it. 

MY DOG IS SICK August 3, 2014

He's making this weird noise, like he's kind of coughing up a hairball? But then other times he's fine. And then once in a while he does kind of like this weird thing with his tail, you know? And he looks at me like, hey man! You know what I mean. 

MAN SEEKING FISH July 21, 2014

Generally nice man seeking a fish for the weekend. May not need for whole weekend. Preferably one that makes for some decent company. Please include instructions for care, and whether bed - wetting will be an issue. And some lemon would be nice.

PIG FOR SALE | May 12, 2014

Medium - Sized Pig for sale. Has a decent enough temperament, nice fur, and will hump your leg. Sometimes you don't even gotta ask. $49 

JOB AVAILABLE | May 6, 2014

Angry Man seeking slightly less angry man, for start-up water wing business. Needs to possess not yelling at everything, ability to apply blunt force with sticks, or clubs, and a love of the rubberized water safety industry. All skills should not be mutually exclusive. Also if you can think of a better name than 'Wet Wings' for the business we're looking for some ideas. 455.555.5526

FOR SALE | May 5, 2014

Used '82 El Camino for sale. Only 1-7 dead chickens inside. Not sure how many. Probably on the lower end of that range. I have given up hope that I could clean it. Someday I will forget about what happened in there, but it might be a while. $529, call 880.567.3456