Hamsterdam Hill

"Charming, in A Deadly Sort of Way"

The city of the hill welcomes you home. Hamsterdam Hill, founded in 2014. 

4th Annual Evildoers' Conference Runs Out of Evil Snacks

The 4th annual Evildoer’s conference was thrown into chaos this morning when it was reported that the caterer had totally run out of evil hors d’oeuvres. Several prominent members threatened to leave early.

“How am I supposed to scheme effectively if I’m not able to munch on kitten eyes?” complained the Great Green Ghoul, 147. “I mean, you come here for the total and utter lack of laws, but you stay for the chinchilla crackers. Why do I stay now? I mean they gave me a voucher for a free Spiderita, so I might check that out.”

The Evildoer’s Conference has been held in Hamsterdam Hill for the last 4 years, as the town’s proud lack of laws and remote location mean evildoers can enjoy a few days of rest, relaxation, and planning world domination without silly police or superhero interference.

By Tuesday afternoon, the monsters and interdimensional scoundrels were streaming out of the entrance, furious at the lack of snackage. But just as conference organizers began to admit defeat, The Dark Wizard Gary, feared throughout the land for his formidable skill with Blood Magic, but rarely seen, burst through the entrance. Gary, suspected of causing countless disappearances over the decades, pulled back his cloak to reveal bony hands and a skull-like face, and began to speak. The words, spoken in a hoarse and ancient voice, seemed to come not from his mouth but rather from all around the conference-goers, as if from the walls themselves. “Hear me, fellow evildoers! We cannot leave yet, as there is much evil work still to do! Do not try to resist me, or …my DEATH BROWNIES! It is IMPOSSIBLE! Because they are just so darn tasty. The secret ingredient is BLOOD…cinnamon. It’s like regular cinnamon, but a little DARKER red in color. And there are plenty for everyone, so no shoving.”

Local Swamp Creature Arrested After Doing Normal Stuff

Ham Hill police reported at 5:22 AM that they had successfully brought in Harold, the local swamp creature, into custody after a string of highly normal activity. “Look, we found this sentient pile of swamp gunk operating a motor vehicle. He doesn’t technically have feet, so we figured, gotta lock you up bud, sorry. Swamp creatures are not licensed to operate motor vehicles. Honestly, I feel for the guy. I mean there’s an appendage there, but its not overly foot-like. Had to be quite the feat to be driving that sucker at all,” noted police chief Sandy Sandy, 47.

Harold was defiant after being released on bond, and appeared in front of reporters, flanked by his wife of 45 years and their three swamp children. “This mindless prosecution of swamp creatures must stop! Ok, so maybe I did menace four or five people at the mini-mart before stealing that car, but that’s just what we swamp people do! We menace. You can’t be a swamp creature and not menace humans, at least a little bit. I mean, if you were an ancient, miraculously sentient 12-foot tall pile of stinking organic particulate, wouldn’t you occasionally menace the populace? Sure you would.”

The local chapter of the Swamp Society leapt to Harold’s defence following the arrest. “Listen, this is a being who exists possibly between dimensions not bound by time or space. Also, he’s been around for at least a millenia. What would you do if you were in a swamp for a millenia? Certainly not just twiddle your thumbs, I’d say. There’s not much to do in that swamp except gurgle and menace the occasional pot-smoking teenager,” argued Swamp Society chairman Ramdon Belkowitz, 68.

Harold is not expected to face any charges, because he has receded back into the deep swamp after being released on bond, and local police have said “no way in hell” are they “getting their jeans all wet.”

"Hat Man" Reappears

The “Hat Man”, long known to haunt to dense forest around Hamsterdam Hill, appears to have made his triumphant return after not being seen or heard from by locals in nearly 20 years.

Local barn blogger Deb Blorm, 45, was the first to spot the mythical figure. “I was wandering into town to sell my Fart Candles, and there he was on top of the state house, grilling a sausage. Like it was totally normal. He’s a real hoot, that one. I’d vote for him. By the way, you want a candle? They’re only $30 each.”

The “Hat Man”, as he is only known, has no known relatives and is only known for his popular habit of “hatting” random townspeople, to the delight of everyone around. “Hatting” involves the placing of a hat on one’s head, without their consent.

“It was weird, but at least I got this hat. I still have it. See? I’m wearing it right now,” remarked John Quincy, 60, of West Hamsterdam Hill. “But I don’t approve of his timing. He interrupted me and my wife’s special time, and I nearly shot him! That is until I saw how beautiful the stitching was on this hat. Plus, its blue! I like blue.”

The Hat Man fled town 20 years ago as his popularity grew and local politicians feared his influence. “He spreads warmth and joy, and we just can’t have that,” explained Ham Hill lawmaker Gary Evil, 84. “So from this day forward, I propose that all hats be made illegal, post haste!” A severe hat tax has since been instituted, and the Hat Man has not been seen since.

Wizards have hailed the Hat Man’s arrival, with the expectation that he is in town to start a movement against the oppressive hat tax. “It is technically possible to do spells with no hat, but it’s simply not the same.” remarked Sandar the Sane, 107. “Let’s be honest here, the cool hat is about 50% of the whole wizard game.”

Mysterious Foam Slowly Envelopes Town

It was reported at 3:47AM local time by a young boy that foam seemed to be advancing upon the large majority of Hamsterdam Hill. “I noticed it when I snuck out my window to go eat dirt”, blurted young ruffian Daniel Day-Bridge, 7. “It looked like what happened that one time when I put all of the dishwasher soap in the tub and mommy was screaming”.

The foam continued its march as the sun rose on Ham Hill, resulting in confusion, traffic jams, and apparently, slight euphoria. “When I step into its nasty mist, I feel like we are all one, you know?” remarked local drum massager Quad Wheelan, 34, “And my past traumas seem to melt away. I got some in my mouth though, and it tastes like a foot.”

Police chief Sandy Sandy has noted that the townsfolk have been more docile since the foam arrived. “Honestly, it’s the quietest day we’ve had so far. Normally by 10AM we’re up to our ears in corn thefts and naked jugglers. But today? I’ve just had the one incident, and it was someone breaking their friend’s house to leave them a gift basket.”

The cause of the foam is still unknown, but heavy suspicion is falling on local researcher Ralph McDonaugh, 58, who, despite being on probation after causing the Great Cheese Wave of 2014, has seemingly continued his experiments. While McDonaugh could not be reached for comment, he was seen at the top of the balcony of his Science Castle, cheering on the foam’s unrelenting progress. “LET’S GO FOAM! LET’S GO FOAM! FOAM FOAM FOAM! FOAM FOAM FOAM!”

Mr. Jenkins' Birthday Celebration Results in Only 3 Injuries, in Unusually Tame Affair

Local celebrity and alligator mogul Peter Jenkins’s 48th birthday party resulted in far fewer serious injuries than usual, prompting some to wonder if it was really that great of a time.

“I mean Mr. Jenkins’ birthday party is our super bowl,” noted top Ham Hill surgeon Trout Salmon, 54. “But this year I barely had any patients with major trauma. Where’s the sport in that?”

Many partygoers reported that the usually raucous Alligator Fights were especially sedate. "The gators just didn’t have their hearts in it this year. They seemed a little sleepy. I wonder if it had anything to do with that guy walking around feeding them strange meat?”

Local taxi expert and amateur meat creator Randy Supple, 34, was spotted in the Alligator Pits, handing out free meat samples to the gators. “That’s it, big mama, you try some of this, it’ll cure all that ails ya!” he was overheard whispering to the massive reptiles, handing them each a 2 lb. slab of his patented “Medicine Meat”, which according to a handwritten sign Supple was wearing around his neck for the duration of the party, ensures “newfound vitality, sexual spunk, and relaxation”. Most of the gators simply went to sleep after receiving the meat, barely reacting to partygoers hurling themselves at them.

“C’mon, you silly reptile!” screamed Harry Mcmanaman, 21, after drunkenly flinging himself atop an uninterested 800 pound male alligator, before beating it with his fists. “This one don’t work! Why don’t it want to eat me! This party sucks, man. If I had wanted lame gators, I would have stayed at home.”

Town's First Underwater Bar Opens to Rave Reviews, Some Drowning

Several smallmouth bass have recently opened Ham Hill’s hottest new bar, the Drunken Guppy, in Lake Harrington, to largely positive reviews.

The bar has taken some criticism for being mostly unable to serve drinks, as it is located underwater and staffed entirely by fish, who do not have the necessary appendages to dispense beverages.

Some determined patrons have managed to get a drink. “I had a beer there,” boasted local foam licker Jarm Rudabella, 22. “I mean, I was already drinking it when I found out there was a bar underneath where I was floatin’, but it was a pretty cool spot. I’ll probably go check out their specials sometime.”

The establishment has also received positive feedback from teenagers, who have found it to be a handy meet up spot. ”It’s really hard for your parents to find you if you’re underwater,” noted Stacy Stacy, 16, of West Hamsterdam Hill. “And they do have some seating, if you can hold your breath for a while.”

Tree Tickler Questioned After Disturbing Neighbors

Local sausage tamer Grenadine Milkman, 27, was charged with misdemeanor trespassing yesterday, having been implicated in a number of tree-related incidents. “He was making strange cooing noises and rubbing something all over our largest oak. I don’t need that kind of strange in my life. I have enough enough to deal with, as my beloved Shark-boy requires quite a bit of care and attention,” observed Carol McNeill, 45, who has seen Milkman multiple times on her property fondling various trees. “Sometimes he just seems to want to chat with my trees, and other times there is definitely more, um, contact. But either way, whatever he’s doing gets my pup Ruffy nice and riled. Animals can tell; something is up with that boy.”

Milkman has been hawking tree accessories in his booth on the edge of the town square for years, to limited success. “People don’t appreciate their trees. You need to show them lovin’, just like you do your wife, your dog, or your kitchen table. Everything has energy, man, and you gotta respect that, tap into it. And if you buy my All Natural Deep Energy Cream right now, you can get a second half-off!”

Other vendors who operate seasonal booths in the town square have bristled at some of Milkman’s sales techniques. “I’m sick of that jackalope disturbing my customers with his shrieking and hippie music! My clientele are already kinda jumpy,” noted owner of local gun & memorabilia store Bullets R Fun, Jimmer Fredette, 68. “He never gets anybody at his booth, so he’ll start kicking up a fuss, doin’ a spazzy dance and trying to peel some of my customers off. Luckily, they don’t seem none too interested in his tree condoms or whatever freaky stuff he’s got going on.”

Mayor Harrington Insists Catastrophic Toxic Waste Spill was "Definitely Kids"

At a presser early Saturday morning, Hamsterdam Hill Mayor Harrington insisted that local kids were surely to blame for the largest hazardous chemical spill in the town’s history. “We all remember going out on Fridays when you’re 15 with your friends, having a few beers, knocking over a few mailboxes, and overriding the failsafe mechanisms on a trillion gallon lagoon of mining waste. This isn’t a disaster, it’s just good clean fun!”

Fordham Macintosh, 81, CEO of Macintosh Mines, quickly denied any responsibility for the disaster, noting that there is nothing his company can do to defend from determined teenagers. “When these kids are all hyped up on YooHoo, Slim Jims, and whiskey stolen from their fathers’ glove compartments, there’s simply no stopping them. What did you want me to do, put locks on things? Children can crack those in seconds with their tiny, mischievous fingers.”

The spill, which sent the contents of the poisonous lagoon careening down Ham Hill Valley and into residential neighborhoods, may take decades to fully clean up. Hadney Ramdalay, 67, local pot sniffer, was one of the few lucky ones. “Everyone made fun of me for living in the trees, until now. I think neighbors were most mad about how I handled Waste Bucket, but what can I do? You gotta empty that sucker somewhere. It’s not my fault Ground Peoples are less advanced.”

Many residents wonder why the lagoon was placed at the top of the largest valley, and even more are questioning why no safety inspections had ever been completed on Macintoshes’ mine, despite it operating in the town for decades. “Mr. Macintosh is a close friend. Some may even consider him a lover, depending on your definitions,” explained Mayor Harrington, “And I can’t be expected to examine every mine. Why, there would be no time for anything else! I can barely take my three daily baths at this point without being interrupted by some unnecessary administrative drivel.”

"Demon's Day" Celebrations Enter Second Week

As the town’s celebrations of “Demon’s Day” continue unabated into their second week, some locals are wondering when they can get back to their normal lives. “I mean, I love Demon’s Day, but I am simply pooped. I had to eat confetti this morning, on account of all the businesses bein’ closed. And it was not as nutritious as its colors suggest it to be,” observed reveler and local frog guide Zane Rodrigo, 21, of East Hamsterdam Hill.

While not proveable, it is widely suspected that Mayor Harrington started the weekslong holiday in the dead of winter to avoid going to work in the cold. “I mean I can’t be expected to govern while my teeth are chattering! Why even as I speak to you now, I can barely move without being draped in cats for warmth!” yelled the Mayor at a recent presser, at which he was surrounded by roughly a dozen cats. “You people can’t even fathom how much Tuna Lather I had to bathe in to get these cats to stay around me 24/7. It’s a full time job!” After being reminded by various gathered townsfolk that being the mayor is actually his full time job, he left from the podium in a huff, with several cats trailing in his terrible-smelling wake.

Demon’s Day celebrations usually consist of running away from “The Demon”, while drinking heavily. The Demon, known to most as local shop owner Bob Jerbab, 44, of Bob’s Hardware & Oysters, prepares for the role by being locked in a stinking cage for two months while refusing to be fed anything other than raw meat. After he is sufficiently disgusting and enraged, he is released every February 2nd to terrorize his fellow townspeople at an festive event in the town square.

“I like how he really bites you. He’s not mailing this thing in,” remarked satisfied festivalgoer Rachel Ronald, 34. “My leg is bleeding heavily. It’s quite the thrill.”

Much of the town shuts down each year during the festival, which can stretch anywhere from one day to around three weeks. It only ends when Jerbab’s mania subsides and, exhausted, he collapses.

However odd it may seem to others, Jerbab relishes his role. “I mean, it sure spices up your year, I’ll tell you that much,” Jerbab stated in a recent interview. “I also get as much free meat as I want! And I get studied, for science.”

Ham Hill Government Enters Historic Working Period

At approximately 5:46 this morning, Ham Hill’s Legislature achieved a historic milestone, officially marking the longest amount of days in Hamsterdam Hill’s history that the government was functioning consecutively, a total of 17 working days. “I mean, we haven’t been working weekends or anything, but let me tell you, these 5 day work weeks are a killer. Real tough on ‘Daddy’s Casino-Time’, if you know what I mean’’ stated Hamsterdam Hill lawmaker Jamson Slidall, 34, making liberal use of air quotes while elbowing this reporter suggestively.

Residents are equally unenthused about the new state of affairs. “We’re not used to people pickin’ up the trash around here! I have an empire that those damn government overlords ought to learn to respect!” exclaimed Dale Dysentary, 57, of North Ham Hill, who has been selling garbage in the town square for inflated prices throughout most of Hamsterdam Hill’s history. With no usual garbage pickup to speak of, Dysentary has dominated the local garbage trade for decades. “I always tell newcomers, you want trash, you better go through me. You can go through others, but you will soon be dead. Again, it’s fine! But just know that you will be dead, should you choose that route.”

Planes, used to complicated emergency landings due to the town’s complete lack of air traffic controllers, landed with relative ease for the first time in years. “I mean, you still had wild dogs covering most of the runway” explained veteran pilot Martin O’Malley, 64, “but at least I didn’t have to actively dodge oncoming aircraft. It routinely startles me that I am still alive.”