How do you do How-Toers! I sure am glad to see you all after my summer research. See, every year I spend the better part of the sweaty months traveling the world looking for new and disgusting things to show you how to make! This year, I journeyed to the ancient maritime town of Atlantis to learn their ship-making secrets. Now I know some of you will say, “Art, didn’t you just eat poisonous mushrooms with Old Gerald down by the river, and have visions of traveling to the ancient lost city of Atlantis?” Well, to that I say, yes, yes I did eat some intriguing looking mushrooms we found on an old log. But I did wake up today very wet. It might be sweat, but it could just as easily be ANCIENT WATER. You don’t know! Are you a water scientist? That’s what I thought.
A Big Cucumber
Time to set sail on the seven seas!
You’ll need a captain’s outfit. You can’t be walking around looking like some schlub who didn’t make his own cucumber boat. Also, eat a handful of blue mushrooms.
The most important part of the outfit is the gown. Every self-respecting captain knows that in order to properly inspire fear in your crew, you need to be so beautiful that they are frightened to approach you.
You can get a gown from any local dumpster.***
***Top Tip: Look at your local Wedding Directory to see if any weddings are happening near you. People have all sorts of gowns at those, and the bride will occasionally throw theirs out in a rage-fit after the groom leaves them at the altar.
Squeeze into that gown, and apply a thick layer of makeup. Boat construction can now commence.
You’ll want to make your ship out of natural materials, such as Giant Cucumber. These are available in any Fairy Fields nearby. You’ll want to get one that is 7 feet tall, and preferably, can speak.
Remove the Giant Cucumber’s seeds and climb in. Around this time you should eat another handful of blue mushrooms to keep your stamina up and soas to make better conversation with your Cucumber.
Affix the wheel. The Cucumber may try to convince you that you do not need a wheel, because you will need to plunge it about a foot into its green flesh to achieve stability. Ignore the Cucumber’s deceit and plunge away.
All you need now is a sail. Ham works great for this. Go to your local Deli and order several Ham Sheets. You can stitch these together with Bacon Twine to form a formidable Pork Sail.
It’s important the whole boat is edible because then when you inevitably crash, the sharks will ignore you and fill up on Pork Sail.