Hamsterdam Hill

"Charming, in a deadly sort of way"

The city of the hill welcomes you home. Hamsterdam Hill, founded in 2014. 

How To: Infiltrate a Moroccan Embassy

You'll need a bunch of stuff for this, so hang on to your hats. 

Materials:

  1. A hat
  2. Something to hold onto

Let's get it going!

  1. Put a pint of gin in a large suitcase. 
  2. Construct an elaborate cover story and disguise so that you can sneak into a Moroccan Embassy. It doesn't matter which Moroccan embassy.
  3. Once inside, be sure to only use your Moroccan accent that you have been practicing.
  4. Inquire as to where the bathroom is, and enter a stall. 
  5. Retrieve the pint of gin, and down its contents as fast as possible. 
  6. You will be violently drunk. 
  7. Exit the bathroom, and stumble around the halls of the embassy, indiscriminately breaking important looking artwork.
  8. With your crucial work finished, retire unsuccessfully on a couch outside the Moroccan ambassador's office, ending up mostly on the floor.
  9. After several minutes, you will be awakened rudely and summoned into the ambassador's office. 
  10. Once inside, blearily muddle through your cover story, mixing up a bunch of your facts and wholly failing to convince the ambassador of your fake identity. 
  11. The ambassador will look at you harshly for several seconds. 
  12. Return the ambassador's gaze, betraying your inner turmoil. 
  13. After 15 seconds or so, at the height of the tension, the ambassador will break out laughing.
  14. Laugh heartily with him, slapping your knee if necessary.
  15. You will be thrown into a secret prison on a 30-year sentence for infiltrating an embassy and throwing up on priceless artifacts. 
  16. During your lengthy descent into madness in prison, become convinced for several days that you are an immortal demi-god sent through time to save humanity from destruction by invisible flying mini-dinosaurs.  
  17. Resolve to use your supernatural powers to escape the prison. 
  18. Tracking the prison guards' movements, eventually etch a complex diagram of the prison's security on the underside of your bed using only your teeth. 
  19. When a guard enters your cell to clean, bludgeon them over the head with hardened poop you have been storing in a secret compartment. 
  20. Put the guard's clothes on, and say guard things like "Quiet down in there!" and "Carry on, Gentlemen!" to prisoners' cells you pass. 
  21. Continue to do this until you are outside of the prison. 
  22. Wander into a quaint house on the outskirts of town. 
  23. Introduce yourself to the lady of the house only as "a patriot", and arrange to stay in her barn for a few dollars a week. 
  24. Slowly integrate yourself into daily town life, stopping by the local bakery for a morning coffee and bagel and going to the early bird mass on Sundays. 
  25. Initiate a romance with a young woman who works at the local diner by saying cute things like, "I'd split this pie with you if you weren't on your shift."
  26. Keep the relationship interesting by occasionally, casually alluding to some deep internal sadness. This is easily done by solemnly looking off into the distance at night, and muttering something that she can't quite hear before assuring her that "I'm fine. Just thinking about this crazy, big old, mixed up world of ours."