How To: Build A Gazebo with Art Ester
Hiddly hi ho there how-toers! Have you recently purchased a vast tract of land, and have so much money left over that you need to build a useless structure somewhere on it? Well, stumble into my office, you well-heeled rascal, and let’s build a gazebo! Gazebos have been used for centuries to sit on rich people’s lawns, and slowly fill with spider webs. Then one day, you can try to actually enter your gazebo and, to your horror, find it has long succumbed to the arachnids, exclaiming, “Egad! Is that a yellow bellied web-spinner? I want it out! Die, beast!” as you wildly spray the poor creature with gunfire from your ceremonial civil war pistol, missing horribly.
You’ll need:
Spider food (bugs. You can get these from Ted down the block, who ‘grows’ them in his closet)
Wooden planks
An ostrich (for sustenance)
Let’s get to it then!
First, make sure you are well rested and well fed before starting such an arduous task. Ordering around your many servants to build the gazebo will be quite taxing.
You should get extra sleep the night before the big project. Aim for a couple of extra hours of sleep than usual. Around 22 should suffice.
Have your cooks prepare you a large, filling meal of exotic meats. I like a good, old fashioned wolf-and-ocelot pie before my gazebo-making. I find the wolf meat makes me feel ill, and thereby forces the others to do an even larger share of the work.
Once you are properly fueled up, have two to six of your servants carry you out to the work site. After all, you can’t waste those precious calories walking! Those will be needed for yelling.
Order your builders to place the boards roughly in an octagon shape.
Now, time for drinks! This has been quite an ordeal already.
Snap your fingers and order a ‘long island iced tea, but class it up, will you?’
This means it will come with a tiny top hat.
As the gazebo takes shape further into the afternoon, you must test it!
Drunkenly amble onto the skeleton of the structure, and yell, “This is not to my specifications! Where is the bunny pit, hmmmmm?!” despite you never asking previously for a bunny pit.
When your workers ask what a bunny pit is, tell them if they do not already know, they are fired.
Take a nap! You deserve it, and have been up for several hours at this point, far more than is customary for a person of your stature. You can nap wherever, preferably right on the work site. If you are built around, the gazebo will take on a much more distinctive shape.