How To: Cure a Hangover with George Winston
Do you often awaken in fields, covered in honey, and wonder why you are handcuffed to an evil-looking goat? Well, then friend, you and I are a lot more alike than you might imagine. Having been in the company of unfamiliar farm animals after an evening of revelry many times before, I thought I would write a helpful guide for you novices to navigate these all-too-common occurrences.
You’ll need:
Chocolate sauce
Marshmallows
A gun (the marshmallow kind)
Let’s get you back to your filthy home!
First, you’re going to need to figure out what town you are in. I generally do this by eating as many native plants as possible.
Once you arrive at the hospital, simply tell the surgeon what the color of the poisonous berries you ate was. After they gasp, you will pass out from the severe abdominal pain.
When you wake up, you will be wearing a bracelet. Read it! It will have the name of the hospital on it, and bingo bango! That’s where you are.
If you aren’t sure what year it is, do not ask the hospital staff. They will probably then put you in the part of the hospital that is more difficult to escape from.
Be sure to sneak out without getting the bill. Your lack of any identification materials should make evading the astronomical charges a snap!
You’re going to need clothes, as the hospital attire, while pleasantly breathable, is too risque for these conservative times.
Hide behind a trash can, and wait for a well-dressed, weak-looking person to walk by.
When their guard is down, attack them and steal their skinny jeans and fancy blouse. You can take their dog too, if you wish, but this is not strictly necessary.
You are now a fancy person. Swing those hips! This is your time to shine.
Because you now appear to be a young, rich person, you can do whatever you want. As is American law, any house or business you desire is now yours. You only have to demand it so.
Simply enter any business or home and demand to speak to the owner.
After complaining about their use of disposable silverware, yell about suing them for environmental crimes. Continue to yell until they, exhausted, bequeath their business/home to you.
You are now a home or business owner! Congratulations. You and your new dog will be very happy here.