How To: Brew Your Own Pumpkin Beer with Art Ester
Hey there ya load of silly saps! I’m sure you are all wondering “Where is all the pumpkin beer? Is it not still fall?” And I am here to tell you, THE OLIGARCHS THAT CONTROL THE ECONOMY HAVE UNCEREMONIOUSLY RIPPED IT FROM THE SHELVES. The corporate entity surrounding Halloween distribution has decided that we can only consume pumpkin beer, THE BEST KIND OF BEER, only in a three week period in October. We must rise up and declare this to be UTTER HORSESHIT. Here is a recipe for you to brew your favorite squash-based concoction right in your own, filthy home.
Materials List:
12 large pumpkins
A sturdy bottling contraption
A smoldering rage at institutions
Let’s get brewing!
First, you’ll want to convince your wife/partner that this is indeed a worthwhile undertaking. This can be done by arguing with them at length about why pumpkin beer is actually highly profitable, and healthy, because it is mostly vegetables.
After a prolonged shouting match, head down to your bottling setup. This is ideally any space that is unused, dank, and filled with spiders.
Firm up an agreement with the spiders that you will be borrowing their space for a bit. You many have to concede the corners of the room to them for their garbage-filled-webs.
To begin brewing, place the pumpkins in a tub or vat. Then mercilessly hit them with whatever you have within your arm’s reach.
Once the pumpkins are beaten to a satisfying pulp, transfer them to a mixing bowl.
Toss in your favorite beer spices.
If you are not familiar with beer spices, simply add whatever bibs and bobs are around. They will, most likely, taste like something.
Once the mixture is set, affix it to your face like a mask.
The mixture will slowly absorb your face’s nutrients, resulting in a more sophisticated flavor.
Scrape it off into a tub.
Fill the tub with yeast and water.
Leave your home for 3-5 years.
The mixture, having matured, will invite you in, gesturing with its hideous foam-limbs.
Listen to its evil fables, imbuing you with malevolent energy.
Happily burn down the town.