Hamsterdam Hill

"Charming, in a deadly sort of way"

The city of the hill welcomes you home. Hamsterdam Hill, founded in 2014. 

How To: Survive the Winter with George Winston

Hey there ya limp yella-bellied scoundrels! Dirty ole GW is here to fill your tiny brains full’a how to know-how. Just be careful not to fill ‘em too fast. That lil brain might just tire itself out. If you can, read only one or two sentences every hour. Don’t pretend that you have anywhere to be. Anyhoo, I’m here to give you babies a crash course in how to make it through those winter months, when food is scarce and potential mates are hiding in freshly fallen snow drifts, making them more difficult to locate by smell.

You’ll need:

  1. Snowshoes

  2. Liquor

  3. Homemade armor

Let’s get to it!

  1. You’ll have to fashion armor to fend off incoming hordes who will try to invade your domicile in order to get at your soft, warm innards, the primary ingredient in “holiday soup.”

  2. Start by collecting as many nails as you can. If you only have one or two, that’s fine, but you will most likely die as a result.

  3. Once you have the nails, put them in a bucket and set them aside.

  4. Grab any steel plating you have handy, and bang it into “armor” shapes.

  5. If you’re unsure of the ideal shape, just go nuts! The more misshapen your armor is, the more intimidating you will be to would-be attackers. Ideally you should look as if you have scavenged your entire set off of a slew of vanquished enemies.

  6. Tape or glue any fun flair items to your armor. These can include cotton balls, glitter, or blood.

  7. Once your armor is sufficiently hideous, be sure to check on Craig next door. Ideally you can peer out a small corner of your blinds to complete this step.

  8. Craig will already be at his window, peering back menacingly. He will seem none too pleased with your apparent armor-fashioning, as he is determined to get at your delicious insides.

  9. The only way to stop him now is to challenge him to a Winter-Off, a decathlon of sorts consisting of winter activities.

  10. Outfox him in the candle lighting, hot chocolate drinking, and cuddling competitions, taking the top prize.

  11. Gloat in your victory, holding your trophy aloft, exclaiming, “No holiday soup this year, eh, Craig?”

  12. He will shoot an arrow at you for the outburst.

  13. Evading the arrow, scuttle back home to safety.