Hamsterdam Hill

"Charming, in a deadly sort of way"

The city of the hill welcomes you home. Hamsterdam Hill, founded in 2014. 

How To: Train a Lion with George Winston

Missing items from around your home? It's because that jackal Art Ester has been slowly pilfering them night after night. How do you stop him? No one has yet solved that riddle. All we can do is lock our doors and sleep with one eye open. If you do happen upon his hooded, bent figure one moonless night, be sure not to startle him. Legends tell those that do meet a grisly end.

But we're not here to talk about that, you sorry bag of skin! I am often asked 'How do I train lions?' followed by 'Can a lion be trained against its will to perform at my birthday party?' Fortunately for us, the answer to both those questions is absolutely yes. 

You'll need:

  1. A big ole chair
  2. A whip
  3. Frequent, severe lapses in judgement

Let's get that lion of yours trained. 

  1. Fill a barrel with Grade A honey.
  2. Roll around in the barrel until you are completely covered in the sticky stuff. 
  3. Open the lion's cage. 
  4. The lion will set upon you. 
  5. Evade it. 
  6. Realize that the lion probably gets the gist of how he should host the birthday party.
  7. Confirm the date of your party with the lion.  It will record your appointment in its day planner.