How To: Go to the Beach with Art Ester

The most important step in going to the beach is deciding that you are going to the beach. This is the most difficult, because it is generally a bad idea.

Note: Beaches are covered in garbage and seabirds that want you dead so they can devour you whole.

Here’s what you need:

1. A beach chair

2. A beach "ball" (any vaguely round object will do)

3. A very proud but misinformed sense of how your body looks to others

Let’s get ready for that once in a lifetime tan!

1. Put enough sunscreen on so that everyone who walks by you gasps.

2. Take note of the “gaspers”, as they will now be known.

3. I’m just joking, those people don’t matter. They may as well not exist.

4. But you exist. You are very important. You must be. You are going to the beach, after all. Only important people can do that.

5. Remember to grab some fresh meat that you can lay out to dry at the beach.*

6. Grab a few beers from your local hardware store. I don’t care if they don’t sell beer. That’s your problem, not mine.

7. If they do sell beer, ask them how they expect you to do any work on your house while drunk.

8. The owner of the store will assure you that he personally does most of his home improvement projects while drunk.

9. Beer in hand, head for the sandy shores.

10. Take a meandering route, and enjoy the scenery. After all, you don’t go to the beach very often! This is your chance to really get after it, sightseeing wise.

11. Amidst your meandering, suddenly become powerfully convinced that you cannot possibly allow yourself to be seen without a shirt, and wonder why you ever thought even for a moment that that would work out ok.

12. Head to a "Big n' Tall" clothing store, and select a garment that will cover your hideous epidermis many times over.

13. Your oversize shirt can also handily double as a shelter, or sail, in a pinch.

14. Once at the beach, prance onto the sands. Remember, you are likely the most important person there. And because of your sail-blouse, your disgusting, scab covered chest is a secret for only you to know about. Although onlookers may guess at it because of your prolonged, frenzied bouts of scratching.

15. Once you have set your meat out for drying, casually and occasionally exclaim to others around your towel that "Wow I wish there was some dry meat around me! I wonder where I may be able to get some? I sure do have a mean hankering for some."

16. Your meat may attract a large number of vicious seabirds.

17. Scare them off by simply running in a circle, flapping your arms wildly, and screaming "My meat, Caw, caw caw! My meat!".

18. This will scare the seabirds off and most beachgoers within a 50 foot radius.

19. This may seem counterproductive, but I assure you it is not. The empty space will simply reinforce to others how important you are. For example, you cannot get within 200 feet of Tom Cruise without spontaneously lighting on fire.

20. It is now time to choose a mate. This can be done by casually walking near an arousing prospect, and dropping some of your fresh-dried meat near them.

21. Then say "Oh. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to drop this meat in your vicinity. It is very valuable meat, and my dropping it was a mistake. I must return now to my camp, where there is an even wider array of precious steaks."

22. Walk back to your towel, and let the suitors line up.

23. Call each of them over, so you can check their teeth. Your winner should have at least several.

*Tip: you should do all your meat-drying at the beach.