How To: Make Meat with George Winston
Hey there you slippery piles of human ooze! Stinky ole GW is on the scene to help y’all turn those nightmares into reality! Have you ever eaten a hamburger and thought ‘why do I have to go to a dumb restaurant for this? Surely there is some way that I can produce this delicious flesh on my own, in the solitude of my dank basement apartment that the upstairs neighbors are unaware I am occupying?’ Well, friends, wonder no more! I’ll give you all the knowhow necessary to spontaneously create life, which you can then immediately extinguish and put in a sandwich.
Materials List:
Fifty gallon stainless steel drum
Bovine fetuses (You can get these from Hal, down the block)
Defiance of God’s Will
Let’s get to it, shall we?
Go to your local Video Store, and demand everything that has ever had even an oblique reference to Frankenstein in it.
Purchase a large volume of disgusting snacks. An example is any chip flavor that sounds impossible, such as Lay’s “Cappuccino”. Lay’s complete disregard for both consumer taste and business sense will be important to emulate when creating your meat empire.
Consume the snacks and dozens of hours of Frankenstein-related entertainment. This will allow you to avoid obvious mistakes Dr. Frankenstein made, such as having a mustache.
Place the fetuses in the steel drum, and fill it to the brim with Growth Serum (you can get this at Evil CVS, distinguishable from Regular CVS in that it is staffed by ghosts).
Place the drum outside, in the middle of your yard, far away from meddlesome trees and telephone poles.
Collect all of the scrap metal laying about your house, and construct it into a crude hat.
Affix the hat to your head, and clamber onto the top of the drum.
Wait for a storm.
Raising your arms into the air, scream into the firmament: “Oh Gaia, god of the earth, endow unto thee your great gift of life!”
You will be struck by lightning, and it will course through you and your dastardly mixture.
Wake up some hours later to see the drum entirely empty.
Flip on the television. You shouldn’t need to switch to a specific channel; your creation should be garnering wall-to-wall coverage.
Slack-jawed, take in the news reports that your 30-foot tall Cow Monster, in a murderous rage, has destroyed all of the burger joints in town.
Smile, knowing that Cow Monster’s business acumen has created a vacuum in the market, allowing your nascent burger empire to thrive.
Cow Monster, essentially impervious to puny human weaponry, will retreat to the deep forest, its mission complete.
Every now and then, you will hear a deep moan emanating from the hills. It’s Cow Monster’s lonely cry. After all, you did not craft him a suitable mate.
Know that, while important Cow Monster-related work remains, you have both done your part to take down Big Meat.
Enjoying a glass of sherry, make a mental note to maybe use slightly less Growth Serum next time.