Hamsterdam Hill

"Charming, in a deadly sort of way"

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How To: End Winter with Art Ester

Howdy ho there how-to friends! Have you had it up to “here” with the seemingly eternal winter us non-equator livers must endure? Have you, instead of calmly putting on your coat in the morning, started to pick it up with your mouth and mash it between your teeth as a rudimentary form of retribution? Well, dear friend, if you are reading this, your troubles may be over. As long as you have a basic knowledge of witchcraft, abruptly switching the rotation of the earth should be a snap.

You’ll need:

  1. 11 Gillyflowers (hit up your local Shaman’s office for these)

  2. A Bag of Accumulated Lint (Belly-button works just fine)

  3. A Close Friend Who Trusts You Too Much

Let’s get to it!

  1. Drive to a remote part of town, ideally somewhere where everyone is super into halloween.

  2. Strike up a fire, and place your ingredients into your cauldron.

  3. Wait until the contents have begun to bubble and emit an evil glow.

  4. Smell the mixture; you will know it is ready for the next step if it smells like the inside of a wet sock.

  5. Smiling wildly, ask your Good Friend to “go ahead, give it a sniff!”, and give them an encouraging pat on the back to entice them to walk up to the edge of the cauldron.

  6. Once they have their unsuspecting face inches away from the mixture, throw them into the pot.

  7. Satisfied with the human sacrifice, the mixture will rise out from the pot in a formless mass.

  8. The mass will slowly become a shimmering portal, several feet wide.

  9. The portal will shriek violently as it rends space-time in two, sending a burst of light and a minor shockwave through town.

  10. Startled, you will awaken a few moments later, possibly without any more hair.

  11. An 11-foot tall, silly, cartoon-like dinosaur will be standing over you, wearing ridiculous robes with crudely drawn planets and stars on them. It will greet you warmly.

  12. “Oh gosh, friend, I didn’t mean to startle you!” the dinosaur will say, helping you to your feet with an adorable claw, “I didn’t mean to kick up such a fuss. I’m Gerald! And I can certainly help you with those winter blues!”

  13. The friendly beast will then close its eyes and wave its magic wand, causing it to instantly become spring.

  14. Apparently pleased with itself, the dinosaur will ask you if you need anything else.

  15. “Can you bring my friend back? I feel I may have made a terrible mistake,”

    “Well, of course!” the friendly dinosaur will answer, and wave his wand again.

  16. With another blast of light, your friend will appear several feet away, shivering and covered in ectoplasm.

  17. “My work here is done!” the dinosaur will exclaim. “Oh, one little thing. Your friend may be attracted to toads now. That’s a little bug I haven’t worked out yet.”

  18. After waving its wand again, the interdimensional creature will vanish with a goofy popping sound.

  19. Your friend may not be down for brunch for a few weeks.