Tree Tickler Questioned After Disturbing Neighbors

Local sausage tamer Grenadine Milkman, 27, was charged with misdemeanor trespassing yesterday, having been implicated in a number of tree-related incidents. “He was making strange cooing noises and rubbing something all over our largest oak. I don’t need that kind of strange in my life. I have enough enough to deal with, as my beloved Shark-boy requires quite a bit of care and attention,” observed Carol McNeill, 45, who has seen Milkman multiple times on her property fondling various trees. “Sometimes he just seems to want to chat with my trees, and other times there is definitely more, um, contact. But either way, whatever he’s doing gets my pup Ruffy nice and riled. Animals can tell; something is up with that boy.”

Milkman has been hawking tree accessories in his booth on the edge of the town square for years, to limited success. “People don’t appreciate their trees. You need to show them lovin’, just like you do your wife, your dog, or your kitchen table. Everything has energy, man, and you gotta respect that, tap into it. And if you buy my All Natural Deep Energy Cream right now, you can get a second half-off!”

Other vendors who operate seasonal booths in the town square have bristled at some of Milkman’s sales techniques. “I’m sick of that jackalope disturbing my customers with his shrieking and hippie music! My clientele are already kinda jumpy,” noted owner of local gun & memorabilia store Bullets R Fun, Jimmer Fredette, 68. “He never gets anybody at his booth, so he’ll start kicking up a fuss, doin’ a spazzy dance and trying to peel some of my customers off. Luckily, they don’t seem none too interested in his tree condoms or whatever freaky stuff he’s got going on.”